Sunday, July 23, 2017

Flower Child

I see beauty everywhere and there is no season I see it more than in Summer. My love for flowers developed longer than I can remember and it seems to grow more and more each year. Here's a taste of what I captured Spring and Summer 2017

Friday, July 21, 2017

Project Semicolon

 Suicidal Tendencies

@projsemicolon 🍃Ive had my struggles with #depression  #postpartumdepression  Ive contemplated ending it all I've talked myself out of it many times I've always looked for reasons to smile and those reasons keep me going. I hope you can find reasons to smile every day #yourstoryisinoveryet
Thanks @anton1otattoo for helping me be a voice to the voiceless
#art #artlife #freshink #ink #tattoo #inked #canvas #storyteller
#tobecontinued #dailyreminder #letstalk #sesonaldepression #itsreal #dontquit #projectemicolon #semicolontattoo #anotherday #itgetsbetter #timehealsallwounds #faith #believe #sunshine #air #hope #peace #imwithyou ❤#thereasonswhyismile

Just Like a Tattoo

 A tattoo is a lesson in get something meaningful you have to embrace every step of the journey. I'm a little excited to show the progress. It's not done healing yet but hey enjoy the ride Phase 1... 🤗 @anton1otattoo

Take risks
Face your fears
Deep breaths
Get hyped
Endure pain
Wrestle doubts
Feel the burn
Itch with anticipation
#tattoo #tat #lifelesson #lettinggo #artlife #coverup #moretocome #girlswithtattoos

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Self-care take care...

We never stop learning do we? People don't take advantage Iig we don't let them right? Yes and no...Sometimes there's wolves in sheep's clothing we will get hurt let down betrayed and deceived. One of those guarantees in life. Just be aware and wiser next time. Don't lose your softness or your good heart because for as many bad ones you meet there's double the good ones pouring into your life. Look around you🌸 #learntosayno #knowyourworth #waitforthepayback  #thegoodwillcomebacktoyou #gratitude #stillcountingblessings #sunnysummerdays #reasonswhyismile

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Be Modest

TW: (abuse sexual harassment assault rape)

Modest be modest? I'm gonna say this for those who say be modest. First of all Ive nothing against modesty.... I've been modest almost all my life and men approached me the exact same way as they do now!! I've been modest and I was abused and assaulted, modesty didn't help me there.  I hid and covered myself even more afterwards. Before I got into body positivity... I was not safe even at home,  once I got online my inbox, no matter what site I used I had the same messages, day in day out.. requests and expectations that I owed men something because I am a female and I exist for their pleasure. My modesty was seen as challenge to get me to undress.
So for years, I would only take pics from the shoulders and up in fear of being objectified and victimized all over again.. I didn't want that kind of attention. I was prisoner trying to protect myself from roving eyes and jerk remarks. " How big are your tits", "do you have a big ass?" "Let me see you on cam" "Show me more" As I went out about daily activities the cat calls didn't stop, nor did the stares, nor did the grabbing or brushing up against my body. No where was safe for me. Modesty did not stop the flashbacks and it did not stop me from being ashamed of my huge breasts and curvy thighs.
So I withdrew​ even more, kept myself away from men, blocked messages, stopped making myself available, wore cardigans, large flowy dresses and bulky coats. I didn't want to be seen. It's didn't help. There was no cure from this disease.

You may even think I am overacting you are entitled to your opinion, however I have some suggestions since you are passed that stage of development. I suggestion we teach our boys to treat girls with respect no matter how they present themselves... to treat us as people not as objects , to treat our bodies as beautiful works of art not toys which they can bend break and throw away when they find a shiny new one.
Those who weren't taught to respect women grow up to be entitled men who believe that  every women is one msg closer to be willing and able to do their bidding,  one kind gesture away from being 'head down ass up', one kiss away from being slapped around. One bouquet of flowers away from putting out.

Still don't agree that modesty isn't the key utopia and mutual respect is? Ask my sisters who cover themselves all the time and still get treated like a piece of meat, abused,  raped and slapped around. They are still expected to put out or shut up. Still expected to "shhh don't tell " Still afraid to make eye contact with another male for fear of their lives. Still worry for their daughters and even sons.

I suggest we teach girls that their bodies are beautiful and should be treasured. To teach them that it's ok to say no it's ok to say yes at the right time, but whatever they choose they should be respected. We should teach them that if someone is making them feel less than,  that person deserves less space in their lives. I suggest we teach them that their curves or lack of is not a curse. Their beauty starts within and ends without, not the other way around. That pretty isint the standard and doesn't have to be. I suggest we teach them to speak up for themselves and to seek safe spaces. I suggest we teach them to uplift boys and men who respect them and make them feel worthy.

This issues is much deeper than clothes.
We've made skin out to be dirty, nasty and forbidden instead of beautiful, healthy,  natural and normal.
Men stop making us feel like a slut when we just want to feel free! Free to walk down the street without our keys in one hand and a lit up cell phone in another....without mace in our purse and a whistle around or neck.  Free to celebrate ourselves in all it's beauty. Stop making us feel worthless when we don't comply only to make us feel worse off after we do!
Stop saying we deserved it. Stop saying the alcohol made you do it. Stop saying she wanted it. Stop saying she looks like she wants it.
Women have done everything and anything to accommodate , cover for you, feed your ego, avoid the next punch. Women apologize for your poor behaviour,  we give excuses we blame ourselves...we pass it on.

This message is for those who will hear discuss and share. Stop ripping our flower petals apart. Let us heal, let us be free and let us bloom again! Let's start right now.

Monday, June 05, 2017

Beauty...Pass it On

I've been subject to verbal,  emotional and sexual abuse in my life. I've been called ugly a monkey a N***er yelled at from cars by strangers.

In relationships I've been told I'm only good for sex by bitter men, men that participated, demanded and even took it, only to make me feel less than afterwards. I cared for nurtured and fed the ego these men in a myraid of ways besides sexual.

When it comes to appearance Ive been told I look like a man at times, that was especially hurtful then,  its not nasty to be seen as androgynous now. I looked up to Grace Jones from childhood, her beautiful dark skin her, androgeny, her stature, her "I'm fabulous" without apology!

 I've been fat shamed my whole life! I always shook it off. From childhood I knew fat shaming was wrong and nothing was wrong with me. I know I am beautiful and maintain my own unshakable self confidence. I own my reality without rigid beauty standards and find comfort there.
 Part of why I do Body Positive work, is to show others that you don't have to fit into what society says is beautiful. You don't have to have everything in place you don't have to be on point all the time. We know the industry standard and whats expected but it's changing slowly. Sexuality and skin often gets confused in this movement mostly by men (definitely not limited to), who are so inclined to associate skin with sex, it may feel like the message is getting muffled, but the narrative is changing. I try guide the ones I come in contact with for they have unlearning to do. Ive spent most my life trying not to be sexy for fear of being victimized. I came to the realization that I wasn't the problem it was their expectations. They think they own us and we owe them by merely existing.

 We make apologies for our appearence daily, we sculpt, mold and cover it up and we're shamed either way. We're too fat, too busty, not fair enough, butt not big enough, not young enough. When we finally break free and say No!! I love myself I'm ok with how I look or how I am I'm ok with a muffin top, I'm ok with a few extra pounds. I'm going to dance and sing because I'm having a good day... Someone comes in and tries to rip us apart again!

 Beauty has no size, no colour, no height, no gender. Beauty is not found merely on your outer is in your heart its your energy it's what you give back, it's telling a story sending a message, making a statement... Its challenging the status quo to make changes that will last beyond your lifespan. So pass it on! Be your own kind of beautiful. You define you it's​ not the other way around!
Never let it be the other way around xo

Thursday, May 25, 2017

To Reach Me (NSFW)

I love my freedom
...always been this way never understood why.  When girls would talk about love and marriage it sounded cool but foreign to me. Don't get me wrong I love people!
Im a lone woman with loner ways.. aka introvert... though personality tests suggest otherwise now.
I finally realized this part of my personality wasn't going to change and why clingy men made me feel choked and literally trapped and why jealous ones made me want to run as far as the East is from the West!

I'm romantic... obviously by my pics of flowers and nature my poems my smile my silly giggle, my road trips and walks snapping everything esthetically pleasing.... I have a need for connection love and touch...but I want breathing room at some point. I'm a sure some of it is based on constant hurt and betrayal but the rest is in my DNA. I accepted if I'm going to happy in my love life I'll have to do things differently!

I'm still wrestling with how I want to go about this. I'm not into one night stands, even though I have had a few in the younger years, experimental, finding myself. Those days left me unhinged and satisfied that I've done enough exploration. I crave something more solid than a game of tag for adults. Being an empath doing this, will undoubtedly wear me out, as interactions and brief entanglements overload my already overloaded existance. I take on emotions of those around me constantly! Leaving me clearing and recharging my energies. The amount of energy I sap from a person without trying is tremendous! It's the same reason I can't deal with too many friends and often distance myself from people for long periods of time to avoid burnout.

Now living in the instant gratification era, one cannot deny, everyone wants it and wants it now and only for that moment. Ghosting and dropping off planet Earth after initial contact is the new normal. Im not up for it. Where does this leave me? Finding one to trust has been a near mission impossible. I'm not sure if it's ever been.
 My desires almost eat me alive, gnawing at me to the bone...Fighting the urge to run into the streets screaming like a Banshee in search for flesh to devour. Scrambling with reason resorting to burying my mound with oil soaked motorized devices of pleasure. Breathless over and over yet empty true contact let alone real fulfillment. I dream of being tangled in the sheets hips wrapped around his legs, lip locked stroking his cheek...tugging at his earlobes gently then agressively, chest rising falling... inhaling exhaling...

I'm stuck in a world of endless "Hey baby you're so sexy!" "Hey baby let's video chat" without them knowing my favourite colour or tune or even if I soaked my pillow with tears that morning. My brain constantly battling triggers of objectification, "Are my breasts showing? Is he looking for a new toy? Is that all he wants me for?" to "I want to pound him too but can he think?
... does he think?
or feel?
or ever turn off his porn?"
My overthinking has me shutting down like a bank vault wondering.
Can a man ever reach me ...

I cannot torture myself forever. I need to be set free, to love deeply but love enough to explore and share.

I don't need them all to myself but I do want to feel totally wrapped in love and filthy messy lust when I'm with them.

I want to live my life without them asking "What are you doing "Where are you going" and "Why do you have to spend so much time with friends" "Who are you loving tonight?" The alarming possessiveness that anyone who has ever cheated on me unapologetically conveyed.
They made it clear that
I was theirs
to be on displayed
I must behave
I had to be on their becon call
Waiting and eager to please giving them full attention
With them knowing full well they were actively looking and flirting with others without my knowledge or consent.

 I want them to love me enough to not insult my intelligence. I always know when someone loses interest..always! "
I want him to love me enough to say "I miss you", "I need you" and mean it! To send me cute msgs and return my texts.
I want then to tie, torture and suspend me within my delightful boundaries of pleasure... and push me even more. I want to be vulnerable but vulnerability always came with a steep price. I want them to hold me and wipe my tears. I want to trust them with my life as they could with me...

I want them to care
Yes I want them to care....

Care enough to hold me
to let go
to let breathe
to trust me
to thrill me
to challenge me
to push me
to say it's ok
to be that safe space

Where are you?
That one who's free to set me free to be me?
Can you feel me do you breathe me are you looking for me too? I hope you're not to far away.

I'm burning
I'm fading
I'm longing
I'm breathing
I waiting...for you

To reach me

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Cammydoll's Hair FAQs

I get asked questions about my hair every time I go out! Here's some of my FAQs

Q Is that your hair natural colour?

A Yes there's no dyes or bleach in my hair. I've never use bleach in my life. I used to dye it jet black which was my natural colour. My brows are still black are for now.

Q Who does your hair?

A I do.

Q How did your hair get it so white are you using anything for it?

A It grows like that, At first I believed the trauma of Psoriasis took my pigment, but the rest of my hair is coming in the same way. White hair is in the last two generations from what I've seen. I'm sure it goes beyond that.

Q What products do you use on your hair?

A I'm allergic to or I get triggered by hair products now so I just use Coconut​ Oil. I can also use Shea butter. Before that I couldn't use anything at all. It's hard for people to understand if they haven't experienced it but if my skin doesn't breathe it becomes inflamed,  breaks out, gets weepy, itchy and starts vicious cycle that lasts for weeks at a time. It also spreads throughout my whole body.  No henna or anything else is gonna cut it. I've done my research painfully so.

Q What shampoo do you use?

A Liquid black soap or baby shampoos as my dermatologist recommended .

Q How long have you been grey?

A About 23 years I stopped dyeing almost two years now I trim it about 3 times a month.

Q Why don't you colour it?

A A few reasons
1 my skin is too sensitive to have any products resting on it, whether it's natural or not it's easily triggered

2 I like it this way

3 It grows much faster

4 My body needed to detox from chemicals.

5 I admire hair colour in others but I don't need it anymore. If I'm ever bored I'd throw a wig on , I rarely do though.

The Lies We're Fed

The more often we hear it the easier it is to believe the lies were fed every day.

Destructive dialogue about POC which is fed to us, so often it begins to become an internalized narrative. If you're Black this is nothing new to you. If you're anything like me you're tired of the labels. If you're not Black there is something you can do about it too! First check yourself and examine your own thoughts. Have you bought into the lies? Read articles involving POC do you see anything different? Were you even aware? If not you are about to lose your colourblindness.  The way Black people and POC are portrayed in media is vastly different to how White people are. Its almost always in a more negative light. Correct it when you hear it. You can use your privilege to speak out against it and protest. You can wrtie media outlets and tell them what you think about these negative labels placed on marganilized groups. You can help change the narrative. You aren't helpless. It's time to speak up and stop enabling it.
This is by no means a definitve list and I will without a doubt be adding more. Use it wisely Share it discuss it and be the change.

BW= Black woman
WW = White woman
BM = Black man
WM= White man
BP = Black person
WP = White person

Strong BW - manly, rebellious, rude
Strong WW -  gutsy, brave, heroic

BW breaking down  - crazy
WW breaking down - having a moment

BW tired - lazy
WW tired - burnt out
BM tried - lazy
WM tired - overworked

BW wearing an afro - unprofessional
BW straighted hair - trying be White

BW speaking in street lingo/ slang- ghetto

BW not using street lingo/slang - trying to be White

BW with bright hair colour - ghetto
WW with bright hair colour - fashionista

BW wearing braids - unacceptable unprofessional
WW wearing braids - trendy, edgy

BW wear corn rows - ghetto
WW wear corn rows - fashionable

BW standing up for themself -  attitude
WW standing up for themself - assertive

BW with full lips - ugly
WW with full lips- pouty

BW with muscle tone -  masculine
WW with muscle tone - bad ass, built

BW with lots of kids - irresponsible
WW with lots of kids - nurturing

BW with curves - fat, unattractive
WW with curves - voluptuous, sexy

BW upset - Angry Black Woman
WW upset - fiery

BW with a large butt - unattractive
WW with a large butt - desirable

BW crying - weak
WW crying - vulnerable

BW protesting - ungrateful
WW protesting - admirable

BP gets into an Ivy league College/ University -affirmative​ action
WP gets into an Ivy league College/University - earned it

BP get a promotion - affirmative action, quotas
WP get a  promotion - hard work

BM commits crime - thug, monster animal, savage
WM commits crime - man, mentally ill misguided, takes a wrong turn, depressed bad childhood

...but Black people have no reason to be angry?