September...

Today is Sept 11... yes 18 years later. This world doesn’t feel like a better place and what do I tell my son, he’s now 18 we didn’t make it a better place for him.
I’ve had 2 horrible breakups in the month of September over the years... but September 11, 2001 when the towers hit and my son was 1 month old I had the break up which triggered my panic attacks. My boyfriend, father of our 1 month old, refused to pull my cart to the elevator to do laundry... I had a C-section and wasn’t even suppose to do that but hey when you need things done what can you do? I asked him to help me and he became verbally abusive, it was a pattern that I had just about enough of.  Then we fought and I called the cops and got him removed from my place. Little did I know this would set off years of verbal abuse which would cause me to shut people out of my life for many years to come.
Then it happened.. as I watched the TV and the horrific scene unfolded before me eyes the first thing I thought was “ What movie is this?” A plane hit the north twin tower then the south, I sat and watched on the screen as people scrambled, cried and ran not knowing what was going on or what to expect next. In horror I witnessed people jumping out of buildings to escape the unbearable inferno. I bawled  and bawled. We all know the aftermath of September 11, 2001 and I want to take a moment to reflect and honour all those we lost before I continue....

September was a month I dreaded, I became agoraphobic and stayed in my house for days to weeks at a time.... this wasn’t me I was an outgoing happy go lucky party girl who always had a place to go to on any given weekend. I was destroyed, my heart and mind was beaten and broken down. Every time I saw the towers I was triggered .. all my pain over the years .. the names I’ve been called the abuse, fat and slut shaming of all kinds the dreams that died and how men have stripped my very soul away. I couldn’t handle the outside world because outside was pain, hurt, disappointment, heartache, betrayal..it no longer represented freedom and happiness to me. My heart gave up defeated and deflated. I was trapped. I am a fighter and stubborn so every day I would put my clothes on my bed and try to get outside. I couldn’t get dressed I cried and cried , it felt like I was frozen, my legs became lead and I was filled with dread and it frustrated me even more. I just wanted to be back to being me again but I didn’t know how. I had a break down, I was burnt out and entirely helpless to do anything about it.

Then it happened I met a what seemed to be a wonderful man, he was attached to my hip, treated me and my children well. I don’t trust easily and no one gets alone time with my babies. This new boyfriend was dependable, reliable, typical Taurus traits. He was clingy though and a tad jealous that I had friends a life and wasn’t a homebody like he was. A week before valentines we did the deed and got pregnant. We had a beautiful baby boy and we were discussing marriage plans. Then in September just a couple months after talking marriage, we broke up, we had a disagreement and he up and left. One day he asked to meet our son so I agree and we met at a mall. I looked at my ex’s hand and he had a wedding band on! I asked him if he was engaged and he nodded with a smug look on his face.
As if the universe slapped my face, I felt like I was going to pass out, I had to fight the urge to not throw myself off the mall balcony... I told my ex off and wheeled my son away with the stroller... running and crying. He married her and they divorced after 6 years... he told me he got his karma for hurting me...

Trust was futile, I was filled with rage, fear and bitterness,  I couldn’t trust another soul ever again. I questioned everything my choices my judgment, choosing nice men.. nothing I did was resulting in a happy ending.
I pulled myself away even more from people and I didn’t have a serious long term relationship till this day...13 years later from that break up. With this tired heart my immune broke down, then this functional warrior’s armour chipped away so much that  it attacked my body. Chronic illness overtook me. I have more stories but it’s the September ones that chipped away the most. I looked at my phone today and there it was September 11! I’m not shaking I’m not crying (yet) but I’m still holding on.
Years of trying to get back to me, I since been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety, Psoriasis, Osteoarthritis, I am chronically fatigued and no doubt the list hasn’t ended yet...I’m allergic to dyes and most products life it seems at times, I have IBS, walking , sitting and lifting things has become increasingly difficult. My body attacked itself I mean if you don’t release it where is it gonna go? I brought myself into remission with psoriasis and believe me no one would know I used to be covered 98% of my body which made me hide from human eyes. So presently been able to find communities of amazing colourful friends has been so healing for me! Yes I go out in pain every day but I am living an amazing life of my choosing!

So here I am days fresh off another break up, though it didn’t get to the level of losing my damn mind this time cause I can’t pour my all into any relationships anymore (can you blame me?)  I did think for a moment,  I would actually make it past, September......