To Reach Me (NSFW)
I love my freedom
...always been this way never understood why. When girls would talk about love and marriage it sounded cool but foreign to me. Don't get me wrong I love people!
Im a lone woman with loner ways.. aka introvert... though personality tests suggest otherwise now.
I finally realized this part of my personality wasn't going to change and why clingy men made me feel choked and literally trapped and why jealous ones made me want to run as far as the East is from the West!
I'm romantic... obviously by my pics of flowers and nature my poems my smile my silly giggle, my road trips and walks snapping everything esthetically pleasing.... I have a need for connection love and touch...but I want breathing room at some point. I'm a sure some of it is based on constant hurt and betrayal but the rest is in my DNA. I accepted if I'm going to happy in my love life I'll have to do things differently!
I'm still wrestling with how I want to go about this. I'm not into one night stands, even though I have had a few in the past..my younger years, experimental, finding myself. Those days left me unhinged and satisfied that I've done enough exploration. I crave something more solid than a game of tag for adults. Being an empath doing this, will undoubtedly wear me out, as interactions and brief entanglements overload my already overloaded existance. I take on emotions of those around me constantly! Leaving me clearing and recharging my energies. The amount of energy I sap from a person without trying is tremendous! It's the same reason I can't deal with too many friends and often distance myself from people for long periods of time to avoid burnout.
Now living in the instant gratification era, one cannot deny, everyone wants it and wants it now and only for that moment. Ghosting and dropping off planet Earth after initial contact is the new normal. Im not up for it. Where does this leave me? Finding one to trust has been a near mission impossible. I'm not sure if it's ever been.
My desires almost eat me alive, gnawing at me to the bone...Fighting the urge to run into the streets screaming like a Banshee in search for flesh to devour. Scrambling with reason resorting to burying my mound with oil soaked motorized devices of pleasure. Breathless over and over yet empty ...no true contact let alone real fulfillment. I dream of being tangled in the sheets hips wrapped around his legs, lip locked stroking his cheek...tugging at his earlobes gently then agressively, chest rising falling... inhaling exhaling...
I'm stuck in a world of endless "Hey baby you're so sexy!" "Hey baby let's video chat" without them knowing my favourite colour or tune or even if I soaked my pillow with tears that morning. My brain constantly battling triggers of objectification, "Are my breasts showing? Is he looking for a new toy? Is that all he wants me for?" to "I want to pound him too but can he think?
... does he think?
or feel?
or ever turn off his porn?"
My overthinking has me shutting down like a bank vault wondering.
Can a man ever reach me ...
I cannot torture myself forever. I need to be set free, to love deeply but love enough to explore and share.
I don't need them all to myself but I do want to feel totally wrapped in love and filthy messy lust when I'm with them.
I want to live my life without them asking "What are you doing "Where are you going" and "Why do you have to spend so much time with friends" "Who are you loving tonight?" The alarming possessiveness that anyone who has ever cheated on me unapologetically conveyed.
They made it clear that
I was theirs
to be on displayed
I must behave
I had to be on their becon call
Waiting and eager to please giving them full attention
With them knowing full well they were actively looking and flirting with others without my knowledge or consent.
I want them to love me enough to not insult my intelligence. I always know when someone loses interest..always! "
I want him to love me enough to say "I miss you", "I need you" and mean it! To send me cute msgs and return my texts.
I want then to tie, torture and suspend me within my delightful boundaries of pleasure... and push me even more. I want to be vulnerable but vulnerability always came with a steep price. I want them to hold me and wipe my tears. I want to trust them with my life as they could with me...
I want them to care
Care?
Yes I want them to care....
Totally
Fully
Completely
Care enough to hold me
to let go
to let breathe
to trust me
to thrill me
to challenge me
to push me
to say it's ok
to be that safe space
Where are you?
That one who's free to set me free to be me?
Can you feel me do you breathe me are you looking for me too? I hope you're not to far away.
I'm burning
I'm fading
I'm longing
I'm breathing
I waiting...for you
To reach me
...always been this way never understood why. When girls would talk about love and marriage it sounded cool but foreign to me. Don't get me wrong I love people!
Im a lone woman with loner ways.. aka introvert... though personality tests suggest otherwise now.
I finally realized this part of my personality wasn't going to change and why clingy men made me feel choked and literally trapped and why jealous ones made me want to run as far as the East is from the West!
I'm romantic... obviously by my pics of flowers and nature my poems my smile my silly giggle, my road trips and walks snapping everything esthetically pleasing.... I have a need for connection love and touch...but I want breathing room at some point. I'm a sure some of it is based on constant hurt and betrayal but the rest is in my DNA. I accepted if I'm going to happy in my love life I'll have to do things differently!
I'm still wrestling with how I want to go about this. I'm not into one night stands, even though I have had a few in the past..my younger years, experimental, finding myself. Those days left me unhinged and satisfied that I've done enough exploration. I crave something more solid than a game of tag for adults. Being an empath doing this, will undoubtedly wear me out, as interactions and brief entanglements overload my already overloaded existance. I take on emotions of those around me constantly! Leaving me clearing and recharging my energies. The amount of energy I sap from a person without trying is tremendous! It's the same reason I can't deal with too many friends and often distance myself from people for long periods of time to avoid burnout.
Now living in the instant gratification era, one cannot deny, everyone wants it and wants it now and only for that moment. Ghosting and dropping off planet Earth after initial contact is the new normal. Im not up for it. Where does this leave me? Finding one to trust has been a near mission impossible. I'm not sure if it's ever been.
My desires almost eat me alive, gnawing at me to the bone...Fighting the urge to run into the streets screaming like a Banshee in search for flesh to devour. Scrambling with reason resorting to burying my mound with oil soaked motorized devices of pleasure. Breathless over and over yet empty ...no true contact let alone real fulfillment. I dream of being tangled in the sheets hips wrapped around his legs, lip locked stroking his cheek...tugging at his earlobes gently then agressively, chest rising falling... inhaling exhaling...
I'm stuck in a world of endless "Hey baby you're so sexy!" "Hey baby let's video chat" without them knowing my favourite colour or tune or even if I soaked my pillow with tears that morning. My brain constantly battling triggers of objectification, "Are my breasts showing? Is he looking for a new toy? Is that all he wants me for?" to "I want to pound him too but can he think?
... does he think?
or feel?
or ever turn off his porn?"
My overthinking has me shutting down like a bank vault wondering.
Can a man ever reach me ...
I cannot torture myself forever. I need to be set free, to love deeply but love enough to explore and share.
I don't need them all to myself but I do want to feel totally wrapped in love and filthy messy lust when I'm with them.
I want to live my life without them asking "What are you doing "Where are you going" and "Why do you have to spend so much time with friends" "Who are you loving tonight?" The alarming possessiveness that anyone who has ever cheated on me unapologetically conveyed.
They made it clear that
I was theirs
to be on displayed
I must behave
I had to be on their becon call
Waiting and eager to please giving them full attention
With them knowing full well they were actively looking and flirting with others without my knowledge or consent.
I want them to love me enough to not insult my intelligence. I always know when someone loses interest..always! "
I want him to love me enough to say "I miss you", "I need you" and mean it! To send me cute msgs and return my texts.
I want then to tie, torture and suspend me within my delightful boundaries of pleasure... and push me even more. I want to be vulnerable but vulnerability always came with a steep price. I want them to hold me and wipe my tears. I want to trust them with my life as they could with me...
I want them to care
Care?
Yes I want them to care....
Totally
Fully
Completely
Care enough to hold me
to let go
to let breathe
to trust me
to thrill me
to challenge me
to push me
to say it's ok
to be that safe space
Where are you?
That one who's free to set me free to be me?
Can you feel me do you breathe me are you looking for me too? I hope you're not to far away.
I'm burning
I'm fading
I'm longing
I'm breathing
I waiting...for you
To reach me
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